Babylon 5 by Other authors?
What if the arc were written by...
-- Talia and Ivanova would already be sleeping together...
-- this would surprise no one, for everyone else would be sleeping
together as well...
-- did I mention they'd all be related?
-- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of rock at Earth...
-- every female on the show would possess multiple doctorates...
-- every female on the show would be pregnant...
-- Franklin would spend most of his time gene-splicing (see above)...
-- Garibaldi would spend most of his time arguing with his (sentient)
-- Sheridan and Sinclair would *both* have discovered that they were
long-lost by-blows of Lazarus Long...
-- What other races? Humanity would have exterminated them long ago!
-- Kosh would eventually be revealed to be *somehow* in league
with R. Daneel Olivaw...
-- the Psi-Corps would have pronouns like "I/We/PsiCorps"...
-- action scenes? What action scenes?
-- the show would be off the air because the creator got bored with
it; twenty-odd years later, it would continue, bit by bit...
-- fortunately, the Shadows would be limited by Three Laws; by using
tricks of logic, as well as trial and error, their threat could
-- Rendezvous with Babylon 5; Garden of Babylon 5; Babylon 5 Revealed;
need I say more?
-- the CGI would be even *better*...
-- everybody would have cybernetic enhancements (the GroPos would have
-- most of the show would take place on the network which everyone's
-- Sheridan would watch cyber-porn of his wife in VR glasses...
-- a couple guys with VR equipment would attempt to get information
out of... hey! Wait a minute!
-- Jason Ironheart would have ruled the Empire for 1500 years...
-- Kosh would have been highly praised by said God-Emperor for his
line, "What is need compared to the The Path?"
-- the Shadows would have told the Emperor, unless he did as
instructed, "You will live out your life in a pain amplifier!"
-- the Narn and Centauri, Earthers and Minbari... heck, even the
Shadows and the Vorlons, would all get together and be friends in
the end, when they realized that they really don't have anything
to fight over, after all...
-- the whole arc would be played back on a twisted piece of alien
machinery found in a cave in Antarctica; all the viewers would
die or vanish mysteriously sometime later, leaving a "foetid
William Shakespeare -
-- we'd be getting foreshadowing of every major plot turn... hmm...
-- the clowns would actually turn out to be tragic characters...
-- it would not be called Babylon 5, would instead be named after a
character who would likely die before the series is done.
William Shatner -
-- "And THE sky... FULL OF stars..."
-- Sinclair and Sheridan would have a new Lt. Commander to boff
-- Bester would have a cheesy Russian accent
-- tek pushers would be running rampant!
-- Shatner would _have_ to have a role...
Robert Jordan -
-- Eight seasons and counting, no end in sight...
Frank Herbert -
-- The Character that Will Not Die
-- The station would be a self-contained ecosystem, within which a
species of giant drug-producing sandworm lives...
David Lynch -
-- Changes his mind halfway through the arc
-- Two words: Dancing midget.
-- Julie Cruise appears every other episode.
-- It would probably make a lot less sense.
Robert Anton Wilson?
-- Never mind, as far as I can tell it's already being written
by Robert Anton Wilson. There is no JMS, it's a clone of
Weisshaupt...no one is exactly what they seem!
-- Sinclair would have to go into a cocoon back on Minbar and
emerge as an aardvark, who will lead the EA in a giant spherical
golden spaceship on a quest to find out what sex the Shadows really
-- The Shadows are breaking free from their ancient
prison. The One - sorry, the Dragon Reborn - must come into
his power to fight it - he who will save the galaxy and
break it. Delenn would have come out of her prison not as a
human, but as a werewolf; and Garibaldi would start wearing
a big hat & gambling a lot.
L. Ron Hubbard
-secret rogue government organizations
-lesbians and bisexuals
-no need for healing machines
Dr. Seuss -
-- "Babylon 4, back again? When's it been, Sheridan? When's
-- "Sinclair's fair. But barely there, Sinclair. Where's
Sinclair? Having fun? The One, having fun? The One's done
having fun. He's arranging strangers into rangers."
e. e. cummings -
-- it was the dawn of the third age of manunkind ten years after the
earth minbari war the babylon project was a dream given form its
goal to prevent another war by providing a place where humans and
aliens could settle their differences peacefully its a place of
commerce and diplomacy home away from home for diplomats hustlers
entrepreneurs and wanderers humans and aliens wrapped in two
million five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal all alone in
the night it can be a dangerous place but its our last best hope
for peace this is the story of the last of the babylon stations
the year is twenty two fifty eight the name of the place is
-- e. e. cummings
-- wait theres a hell of a good universe next door lets go
Steven Spielburg -
-- all the aliens just want to go home
-- Babylon 5 located in the heart of a vast jungle, populated
by ravenous, prehistoric, CGI... oh, you know the drill...
Philip K. Dick -
-- Remember the VR in And The Sky Full Of Stars? That was
actually reality, and Sinclair is living in a virtual
reality machine manifested within a virtual reality. Or is he?
-- The main villian would be the Happ-EE Corporation.
-- Garibaldi would be selling forged Warner Bros. animation
cels to discriminating Centauri.
-- Talia Winters is faking her telepathic abilities.
-- Sheridan would be quite distressed by the divine messages that
are being projected onto his morning cup of Koffee.
-- The Vorlon would be obsessed with late 20th century
television soap operas.
-- Spoo would have inexplicable hallucinigenic properties.
-- Londo would suddenly begin to sport a mechanica eye and arm
for no previously discernable reason.
-- Morden's last name would be Fremont
-- The Vorlon, when finally unmasked, would turn out to be
Richard M. Nixon.
John Woo -
-- Garibaldi gets to slide along the bar in slow motion
shooting two PPGs at heavily armed and undertrained
thugs. Every episode.
-- How many PPG wounds can a human (or an alien for that
matter) take before finally passing out? Frank will be on
hand every episode to explore this difficult and
-- The seasons come in this order:
...and somehow, it still makes perfect sense.
-- A Soul Hunter at one end of the corridor.
Delenn at the other.
They face each other.
The Soul Hunter pulls his jacket aside to reveal the
holstered remote control to the device he is standing in
front of- which is starting to glow.
Delenn looks at him. A triluminary in her pocket.
Five minutes of incredible music, during which the Soul
Hunter's eyes narrow, Delenn looks ever more intensely
back, the machine continues to glow even more, nobody
moves and the camera continually closes in upon their
The music reaches a crescendo- quietens-
In C&C, an explosion is heard.
The Soul Hunter staggers a few steps forward, his broken
machine behind him. He tries to holster his remote
control, and collapses.
Delenn shows him the triluminary.
...The series ends.
--It's all a conspiracy.
(hang on... that's how jms writes it...)
-- PPG fights instantly go into slow motion, with plenty of
spraying blood, vaporized flesh and many closeups on
agonized faces. Space battles also go into slow motion,
with plenty of spraying flame, vaporized hull, and many
closeups on agonized faces.
-- There would be more to Londo's ducks than it seems; a fog
would constantly drift around the station; every time
Sheridan was introduced somebody would say "I heard you
were dead." Dr. Franklin would be, in reality, an alien
creature which has assumed his form.
-- Every corridor on B5 would be equipped with flashing red
lights, strobes and steam jets. Kosh would not speak, but
would leave small, origami animals at the doors to
character's rooms. There would be constant close-ups of
people's eyes. Fans would forever argue over whether
Delenn was or was not really Minbari. The Centauri would
be Japanese. The soundtrack would consist of weird,
distorted Asian music. B5 would have a lot of fans.
-- Station interiors would be even darker than they are now.
Danny Devito would be playing Garibaldi. Delenn would
emerge from her Chrysalis with a pair of scissors for
hands. Kosh's encounter suit would have a pumpkin for a
head. All ships would be grotesquely misshapen organic
tech. The Shadows would by sympathetic.
-- Alpha, Delta and Zeta squadrons would consist of ranks of
precocious child fighter pilots. Every time a ship died it
would roll over in slow motion amid a cloud of debries to
eerie, ominous music. Sheridan would carry a whip and a
dusty fedora. Kosh's encounter suit would open to reveal
Yakko, Wakko and Dot. Ivanova would be played by Goldie
Hawn, and Garibaldi by Dennis Weaver. We would never see
Morden's face, but rather just a shot of a pair of dusty
cowboy boots. The Shadows would turn out to be really
pissed offed Velociraptors.
-- Sheridan and Garibaldi would be having an affair; Kosh
would be a vampire. PPG fights would turn into long,
drawn-out sequences with thousands of shots. Ivanova and
Talia would be having an affair, and Dr. Franklin would be
molesting children on the side. Londo would turn out to be
a mafia don. Lennier would be a necrophiliac, G'Kar a
David Lynch and Frank Herbert:
-- Kyle MacLachlan would play a central figure called "Coop."
The character would start out as an innocent PsyCorps
investigator who ends up as the Nth coming of a religious
-- The final episode would be titled ``So Long, and Thanks for
All the Kosh''?
-- Every character would speak in expletives and arcane pop-
-- Every character would have his/her own Morricone leitmotif.
For example, Sinclair's would be a haunting melody for soprano,
organ, harmonica and koto.
-- say "I heard you were dead." Dr. Franklin would be, in
reality, an alien creature which has assumed his form.
-- And everybody would be under the suggestions of subliminal
messages that a pair of cheap sunglasses would expose.
-- Garibaldi would be unshaved and carrry two PPG's. Every
fight would feature him blowing away lots of bad guys with
the two guns. These guns never run out of ammo unless the
trigger is pulled while pointing at a friend/innocent
-- There would be lots of glass. All fights would have heavy
martial arts, and alot of breaking glass.
-- It would be done in black and white, and a big fight would
happen when Ted Turner attempts to add color to it.
-- It would be canceled after 2 shows.
Delenn would again have the cleft chin and deep voice she had in the
premeire. This would appear and reappear every 4-6 episodes. Kosh
would be one giant lung filled with liquid oxygen. Mars Dome would be
a simulation of Mars' atmosphere located in Ireland, and eveyone on
Mars would live in Kinshasa Dome, Cape Cod Dome, or EuroDisney Dome.
(Come to think of it, nobody would live in EuroDisney Dome.)
Tomita Tamlyn would never have left, and would be commander of the
station. Everyone except Sinclair and G'Kar would be Chinese. Kosh
would speak even less, but never lose at Mah Jongg. Delenn would be
April Cho's (nee Garibaldi) mother.
Ivanova and Winters would have begun their affair long ago, and we
would be treated to every safe-sex detail. Garibaldi and Winters
would have something on the side once or twice a year. Delenn would
me a Tantric mother goddess, and noslouch in the sack herself, as
Ivanova's perpetually frizzed hair would profess. The remaining ten
minutes of the show would deal with alien lifestyles and virtual