You might be a Reckneck if.....
You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new
Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front yard.
If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.
If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all of your cars.
If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"
If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.
If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff Foxworthy.
If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).
You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.
You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.
Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."
Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.
Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.
You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.
Everyday at your house is a family reunion.
You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.
You've found every one of your pets.
You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You call rust a quality paint job.
If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.
Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You swerve to hit a deer.
You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.
Your momma and your dog bathe together.
The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.
You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.
Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.
You use a tire for a sled.
Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.
You got married at a monster truck rally.
Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.
Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.
You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.
You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.
You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.
You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.
You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.
You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.
If your house and your barn are the same building.
If your best crystal used to contain snuff.
You consider muskrat a gourmet food.
Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.
You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.
You take spurs to show off at your local public school.
Your toenails curl before you cut them.
Socks in bed turn you on.
You think a sieve is part of your shirt.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
You took a beer to a job interview.
You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.
Your mom is the man of the house.
You wear a bra under a strapless dress.
If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.
Your dad and your tires are both bald.
Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.
Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.
You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.
Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.
Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.
You think straight D's is the honor roll.
You think payday is when the welfare check comes.
You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.
When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.
You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.
The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.
If you have to mow your driveway.
You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.
You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.
If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".
If your backyard looks like a junkyard.
You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on whole family.
You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.
Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.
You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.
You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.
Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You ever made change in the offering plate.
Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.
You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Engines".
Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.
You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.
You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on truck.
You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.
Someone asks you the time and you say "January".
You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard.
Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.
You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.
The only gold you own is in your mouth.
You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.
You are the state cow tipping champ.
Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.
You consider a six-pack life support.
You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.
Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.
Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.
Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.
You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.
You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.
You think a goat is an indoor animal.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.
The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.
Your family tree forms a wreath.
If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.
You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.
People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.
You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get mail.
You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.
Your family tree doesn't branch.
You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.
If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.
You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.
Your wife has to shave more than you do.
If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.
You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.
Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.
You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.
You and the game warden are on a first name basis.
Your garage looks better than your house.
Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.
You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.
Your clothes are older than you.
You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
You would give up your house instead of our boat.
The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.
If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.
You use more duct tape than common sense.
You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.
You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.
You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.
Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.
"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.
You and your dog share the same name.
The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.
Your family tree consists of you and your dog.
Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.
Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.
Your dog weighs more than you do.
You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.
You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.
You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.
You think harass is two words.
After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.
You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.
Your new car is a John Deere.
You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.
While raking leave you fall out of the tree.
Your truck is higher than your house.
You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.
You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.
You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.
You go to a family reunion to meet women.
You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.
You are offended by these jokes.
The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.
Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.
You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.
You think a quarterback is a refund.
You were born on a pool table.
Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language.
Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die.
Your living room wall has the flood history.
You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the day you both skipped.
You consider Rambo a classic.
You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem.
The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.
At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside.
You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm.
If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou".
If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family.
Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone.
You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.
The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name.
Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar.
Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it.
You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
house has no curtains but your truck does.
Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance.
went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon.
told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.
Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat.
When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable".
ever held a family reunion in jail.
have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to get more mail.
prefer calling your sister Hun.
If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave.
If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.
bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.
house pets include any form of livestock.
consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening.
blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ
wife has a beard and you don't.
leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.
bridal registry was the local bait shop.
spare tire is a cement block.
truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.
identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.
coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.
You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.
kid's first words were paper or plastic.
All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T
There are more than four cats living in your garage.
mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.
mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.
put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.
try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.
You've never slept with your boots off.
go turkey hunting for hat decorations.
car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.
purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass.
know more that 10 slang words for "breast."
serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.
ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.
wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.
refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in."
think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.
definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.
wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.
are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.
try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
You've never seen a film with subtitles.
must go through more than two gates to get to your house.
think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
primary income involves pigs or manure.
You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.
have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
follow the tractor pull circuit.
sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
mother's only shoes are her house slippers.
The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.
tires are worth more than your truck.
spare tire is a cement block.
use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
own a denim leisure suit.
coat of arms features a tire iron.
You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.
take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
r=#a80000>People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
ever get dog hair from your belly button.
ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.
ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.
have ever injured yourself lighting farts.
You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.
You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.
You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.
consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.
You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.
eye color on your driver's license in red.
judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.
ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.
think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.
have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.
grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.
idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.
have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.
best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.
You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.
refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
boots cost more than your wedding ring.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
have a rag for a gas cap.
ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.
think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.
think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
proposed in a Denny's.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold.
save cooking grease in a coffee can.
inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
don't have a home phone.
think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
think "trash TV" is something in your back yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
deer stand has an address.
have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You'veever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You'veever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
pickup truck and wife are the same age.
favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You'veever given livestock as a wedding present.
think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
bridal veil was made of window screen.
call your boss, "dude."
repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
think ribs come from Europe.
toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull.
have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You'veever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You'veever fished from over a fence.
have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
keep catfish in your aquarium.
think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You'veever bought a used cap.
know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back.
dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
think wild turkey should be the national bird.
truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window.
brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new wide-mouth cans.
name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection.
Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments.
consider the tractor your 'good' car.
leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with.
ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date.
got cable just for TNN.
After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue colors.
Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed.
find automatic transmissions confusing.
refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
snorkel in a waterbed.
have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
have more hair on your back than on your head.
have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
shave your cat to put hair on your head.
take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
cabinet doubles as a guest room.
girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts
gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
think people who have electricity are uppity.
know how to milk a goat.
You'veever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You'veever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You'veever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
bum a dip from your mother.
have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You'veever attended a dance at the bus station.
guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
cut your toenails in front of company.
wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
use the shaving cream made for tough beards…and so does your husband.
regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
house plants aren't in pots.
wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You'veever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You'veever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
were expelled from summer school.
You'veever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You'veever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
wife's best shoes have steel toes.
picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You'veever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
have a grave in your front yard.
You'veever stolen toilet paper.
think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.
think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You'veever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
screen door has no screen.
open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You'veever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You'veever shot someone over a mall parking space.
church has a "happy hour."
family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.
pickup truck used to be a car.
favorite fishing lure is TNT.
dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
stockpile pork and beans.
daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
spit on your own floor.
use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
Think ya' gotta' good one? Send it to cheitman@epix.net